FUCK YOU, WOLVERINE! YOU KILLED ME!

DAMMIT!

I Needed Healing Factor to Recover from X-Men Origins: Wolverine

3/10

Every once in a while, a movie appears which plays like it was created within the bowels of a randomizing machine. "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" is indeed the latest offering from the Random Machine (which I'm beginning to think might be housed somewhere inside a 20th Century Fox building). Ranging from kind of stupid to mind-numbingly stupid, this movie really tested my patience. In all seriousness, if I hadn't seen this with other people, I would have walked out.

I am not one of those people who seeks to belittle comic book or superhero movies because I feel they are inherently inferior to more "serious" fare. I like a lot of them, the good ones and the campy ones, The Dark Knight and Blade II, Iron Man and Sin City, and even X3 to a degree. But sometimes comic book movies can veer into train wreck territory. Ghost Rider rests comfortably within the train wreck category, accompanied by movies like Catwoman, Punisher: War Zone, etc. Well they need to make room because here comes "Wolverine," sputtering and lurching its way into the pantheon of dumbass comic book movies.

I'll briefly mention some positives in this movie. I say briefly because there are very few positives. The acting is decent overall, except for Huston, who plays Stryker. Huston's delivery is consistently annoying, the way he whispers all of his lines no matter the situation. The six minutes of screen time that Ryan Reynolds has is probably the best part of the movie. It was certainly the only part that caused me to laugh with the movie (the alternative being laughing at it, which unfortunately happened quite a bit). I would like to know who made the decision to give Reynolds such limited screen time. It was perhaps one of the dumbest decisions ever made in any comic book movie that I can remember. Did they even test screen this? Everyone I've talked to about "Wolverine" agrees that Reynold's Wilson was the best part of the movie, yet he has less screen time than the old man (Pa Kent) who gives Logan the leather jacket. The only other positive I can think of is the opening montage which shows Logan and Victor fighting in various wars.

Now to the negatives. Where to start? Where to finish? The writing was abysmal. There were countless cliches in "Wolverine's" dialogue. From "I'm so cold" to "This isn't what we signed up for," the writers should be ashamed of themselves. They took the path of least intelligence at every fork in the road. And the story itself is truly awful. Besides the plot element of the Adamantium infusion, which was already sitting there like a hanging curveball for the writers to smack out of the park, the story was basically nonsensical. Nothing that happens really happens for any particular reason, except that it helps to set up the next (poorly done) action scene.

The CGI in "Wolverine" is awful as well. And while my judgment of the writing might be subjective, the effects I saw are terrible by any standard. How can Wolverine's claws look more real in "X-Men," which came out in 2000, than they do in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," which came out in 2009!?!? I just don't understand where the $150 million dollar budget went. When the various characters leap around (which they all do, by the way, a lot - apparently every mutant has the power to leap and float), the effects look blurry and choppy. They reminded me of The Matrix Reloaded, where the fight scenes looked like PS2 cutscenes, except these effects were worse.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Every aspect of "Wolverine" reeks of laziness. Lazy writing, lazy plotholes, lazy visual effects, lazy directing, lazy cinematography, lazy editing, etc. Honestly, watching this movie felt like watching a rough cut that was maybe 75% finished and put out to meet a deadline.

I can't end this review without making a short list of the "facepalmingly" stupid parts of "Wolverine":

1) The Adamantium bullet - of all the ways to make Wolverine lose his memories, they chose this. How Stryker could know that an adamantium bullet to Wolverine's brain would interact with his healing factor to result in memory loss, I'll never know. All I know is that part was stupid. And I suppose he managed to hit the part of Wolverine's brain that controls memory because he's a neurological expert as well as an expert marksman. **rolls eyes**

2) Wolverine somehow blocks Weapon XI's optic blasts with his claws and the claws absorb the heat from the blast, heating up the claws and turning them red!!! Lucky for Logan the blast doesn't slip through the the gaps in his claws!! **rolls eyes**

3) Weapon XI's optic blasts tear through the concrete walls of the reactor like it's paper, but when he shoots Victor square in the chest, Vic's clothes don't even singe or tear. **rolls eyes**

4) The helicopter from the big action sequence blows up when it hits the ground, and then it somehow blows up again when Wolverine lights the trail of fuel. Did the helicopter have two fuel tanks or what? **rolls eyes**

5) The scene where the "special team" steals the meteorite in Africa. The guy from the Black Eyed Peas can teleport, but screw that, we're gonna show off how much the team can leap and float around. And Wolverine doesn't do anything to help; he justs stands there asking why they're there. **rolls eyes**

6) Kayla, Wolverine's love interest, tells Wolverine a pointless Native American myth for no other reason than to set up Logan choosing the name "Wolverine" later in the movie. However, the story did set up the most laughable line in the movie, "I thought you were the moon and I was your Wolverine. But you were the trickster and I was your fool." ROTFL and **rolls eyes**

7) Wolverine knocks Gambit out with an elbow to the face. Then he talks to Victor for a moment. Cut to Gambit RUNNING ON THE WALLS OF A NEARBY BUILDING OMG!!! Then he jumps down and lands behind Wolverine IN THE EXACT SAME SPOT WHERE HE HAD BEEN STUNNED BY THE ELBOW!!! Did he get up and run off just to make another grand entrance via leaping and floating? **rolls eyes**

8) Wolverine boxes the Blob for NO REASON!!! The filmmakers just wanted another action scene. It was like a terrible boss battle in a video game. The only reason Blob gave up any information was because Wolverine threatened him with his claws. So why did he box Blob in the first place? **rolls eyes**

9) Stryker sends Agent Zero after Wolverine. Wolverine kills Zero. Later Stryker reveals that the only thing that can stop Wolverine is Adamantium bullets. SO WHAT WAS THE POINT OF SENDING AGENT ZERO!!???!? Oh yeah, we needed another action sequence. **rolls eyes**

10) Stryker has to control Weapon XI with a basic DOS prompt with commands like "ATTACK" and "DECAPITATE." Really? You have the technology to splice about ten different samples of mutant DNA into one organism, Weapon XI, but you have to tell Weapon XI to attack via a DOS prompt? **rolls eyes**

There is much more that is wrong with "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," but just take my word for it that if you see this movie, you'll wish you hadn't.

"Knowing" Is Surprisingly Good in Spite of Nic Cage

8/10

I am not a fan of Nic Cage in general. He has made some movies I like. "Matchstick Men" and "The Weather Man" come to mind. He actually tries to act in those movies. But in recent years, his penchant to accept any role and then play them all the same way has really gotten out of control. "Ghost Rider," the "National Treasure" movies, and "Next" are examples of Cage phoning in that annoying hyper-intense character.

On the other hand, I am an unapologetic fan of sci-fi movies. Sure the genre can lead to some terrible output, but it can also result in some thought provoking, engaging fare. However, I don't exactly care for disaster movies. So the trailers didn't really sell me on this movie since they pretty much painted it as a disaster flick in which Cage saves the world . . . again. In the end I said "fuck it" and decided to give "Knowing" a shot.

I went in knowing (dammit) the critics had trashed this movie. So imagine my surprise when I liked it. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. The religious allusions and symbolism caught me by surprise. I admit I am a sucker for that stuff. Most of the negative reviews for "Knowing" focus their vitriol on the ending. I happen to think that many critics feel they have a duty to blast any movie that incorporates religious themes. I further think that "Knowing" is a victim of this unfortunate trend toward political correctness. Anyone who was surprised by the religious turn this movie takes wasn't paying attention. Proyas sets up the religious aspect throughout the entire movie. There are numerous explicit and implicit biblical references.

Don't worry, I'm not going to start preaching the Gospel. I'm a functional atheist for God's sake (zing). Anyway, let's get down to brass tacks. The premise for this movie is a little hokey, but Proyas's execution of that premise is nothing short of genius. The whole numbers plot device is something of a red herring. It serves to propel the plot, but in the end you realize that the numbers are really not that important. This bait and switch might turn those who were expecting some case study in number theory or gematria against the movie, but I found it harmless.

The acting is good but not exceptional. Proyas managed to get Nic Cage to tone down his usual hyper-intensity. There are still a few moments where Cage YELLS SO YOU KNOW HE IS SERIOUS AND INTENSE OMG!!!!, but they are fewer and farther between than in his other recent movies. The music is outstanding, especially the choice of the Second Movement from Beethoven's 7th Symphony. The piece eerily augments the already disturbing denouement.

"Knowing" is visually astounding. The plane crash is one of the most realistic, unsettling disaster scenes I've ever seen in a movie. My jaw literally went slack. I felt like I was there, walking behind Nic Cage as he surveyed the carnage and tried to help. I really can't describe how amazing this scene was. The final disaster scene is also very realistic and really shocks you.

I was surprised by how good "Knowing" was. Perhaps my very low expectations served me well, but I happen to think "Knowing" stands on its own as one of the better disaster movies and a very good sci-fi movie. I will definitely be paying more attention to Proyas and looking forward to his next movie.

I Kind of Liked You, Movie

6/10

"I Love You, Man" is yet another comedy to feature some of the "It" Apatow crew. It stars Paul Rudd as the dork who doesn't have any regular, male friends and Jason Segel as the carefree dude who spends most of his time in his "man cave."

The type of comedy this movie offers seems like it was crafted to appeal to the widest audience possible. It has quite a bit of raunchy humor, some relationship humor, and a lot of awkward humor (courtesy of Paul Rudd trying to be hip). Sure I laughed at some of the jokes, but overall I came away feeling that "I Love You, Man" couldn't decide what kind of comedy it wanted to be.

I generally find Paul Rudd extremely funny, but he seems miscast as the hapless rube. He is much better when playing a sarcastic twit. Apparently the writers thought that Paul Rudd trying and failing to come up with cool nicknames and catchphrases was hilarious because he does exactly that for most of the movie. But it's not that funny, mainly because it seems forced.

I don't mean to beat this movie down too much. It was funny in parts, and I enjoyed seeing Rush featured in a movie (even if they overdid the Rush related jokes), but it felt a little half-assed and derivative. A big problem is that there are similar movies that are much funnier, such as "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," "Knocked Up," and "Role Models." If you like those movies, you will either embrace this movie as a welcome addition to that pantheon or you will be disappointed by a movie that doesn't quite measure up to its predecessors.

I Watched the Watchmen (Twice)

7/10

This is a BIG movie. Big in scope, big runtime, big dangling blue super dong in yo' face . . . There is so much packed into the 162 minutes that it gives you ample opportunity to both like and dislike a lot of things, especially if you've read the source material. I have read the comic, numerous times, and this movie did its best to tear me in two. Part of me was euphoric to finally see one of my favorite stories in movie form, and part of me was arching an eyebrow at some of the more ridiculous elements of the movie. And every part of me was trying hard not to compare the movie to the comic yet failing miserably.

'Watchmen' is so sprawling that it's hard to neatly distill its good and bad aspects. But I'll try my best.

Rorschach was ripped straight out of the comic. Not just his physical appearance, but the feel of the character as well. Rorschach's performance, as well as the Comedian's, were probably the best in this movie. The Comedian may have been a deviant sociopath, but he was the only character who demonstrated any noticeable development. The rest were basically static. Sure Dr. Manhattan goes from human to glowing blue, but we see so little of his pre-jellybean form that there's really no change to the character outside of his appearance.

The visuals were awesome. The slow motion didn't detract from the overall experience as I had feared. A lot of the scenes and dialogue matched the comic exactly which was surreal and exciting to see. This movie certainly didn't mind kicking a fair number of comic book movie paradigms right in the throat, which was refreshing. On the other hand, I think the subversive undertones turned off a lot of the non-readers who were expecting some sort of wholesome, good vs. evil arc.

Basically, what 'Watchmen' has going for it is its unapologetic grandiosity, its slavish devotion to the source material (minus the ending) which is staggering enough to keep the hardcore fans of the comic at bay, its impressive visuals, and the singular, signature plot. All these things combined were enough to result in an overall positive experience for me. But there were negatives as well.

Firstly, the acting is mediocre and even flat in places. Some of the actors, at times, struggle with believable delivery of their lines. As for the ending, I understand why it had to be changed, but the movie's ending didn't sit well with me. It seemed rather anticlimactic and a little half-assed. I really hated Veidt's characterization. The movie turned him into a cookie cutter villain. It was obvious from his first and second appearance in the movie that he was the villain, which was infinitely frustrating. Plus the movie set him up as very foppish and smarmy, again adding to the villainous stereotype. One would be hard pressed to believe that he was ever a superhero. And the soundtrack . . . well, it's not for everyone. Some of it worked, and some of it was out of place.

The most glaring flaw with this movie was its failure to get the viewer emotionally attached to, or involved with, the characters. The scenes which were mostly dialogue and which propelled the plot felt like they were treated as a burden and tossed in the can as soon as possible. The characters' interactions seemed to bore the director and get in the way of the next "cool" visual sequence. "Yeah, yeah, finish your lines so we can get to that next cool pose!" Based on Snyder's past work as well as this movie, it seems emotional subtext is not one of his top priorities.

If you have read Moore's 'Watchmen,' you'll probably like Snyder's 'Watchmen,' though you might have some hangups with its transition from page to screen. If you haven't read 'Watchmen,' your reaction is much harder to predict. If you don't read comics at all and expect a classic clash of good and evil, you're likely to be disappointed with the moral ambiguity this movie shoves in your face.

"Push" Is a Case Study in the Art of Deceptive Advertising

5/10

The advertising for this film made it seem like a blockbuster action movie. I think some of the TV spots actually called it "the first real action movie of the year." Hardly the case. For example, look at the poster for this movie. We see someone, presumably Chris Evans, displaying some impressive telekinetic abilities, throwing people, cars, and automatic weapons around like it's his job. Switch to the actual movie: Chris Evans has limited telekinetic powers and struggles to move anything around.

The main illustration of the fraudulent advertising is simply the total amount of action in the movie. There really isn't that much. The climax is an action scene, of course. Even these disingenuous jokers couldn't get away with a climax that lacked some flashy telekinesis. But other than that, there's a whole lot of talking, most of it boring and expository. Which is a shame, really, because the premise for this movie is really quite interesting. It's the execution that falls flat.

My interest in the premise brings me to what was good about this movie. Dakota Fanning shows that she will likely be a solid actress for many years to come. She is by far the most convincing actor in this movie, which is kind of sad when you think about it. Setting the movie in Hong Kong resulted in some nice aerial shots. Lastly, as I stated, the idea of all the different powers was interesting. The pushers, who can invade and influence another person's thoughts. The watchers, who can see some trajectories of future events. The sniffers, who are like juiced up hunting dogs. The bleeders were probably the hokiest of the bunch, with the SUPERSONIC SCREAM THAT MAKES YOUR EARS BLEED!! gimmick. It didn't help that the bleeder characters were written as cardboard, one-dimensional thugs.

This movie ultimately serves to illustrate Dakota Fanning's versatility and potential longevity as an actress. It does little else.

Friday the 13th - Don't Poach Jason's Pot Plants

4/10

Long story short, this movie brings nothing new to the table. It's the same old hour and a half of slasher movie cliches. A couple of rude dudes, stoners, couples who care about nothing but innuendo and consummation, and of course the black guy and the Asian guy bite it.

This movie plays more like an homage to the first three movies than an actual reboot. You get the sackhead version of Jason, a couple of glimpses at his Sloth from the Goonies visage, and of course the Detroit Red Wings hockey mask version of Jason. He carries around his trademark machete like a drunk carries around his Thunderbird. And he loves his decapitated mother more than ever in this one.

A few funny things did come out of this movie. Apparently if you are a chick with red hair, Jason will become disoriented and confuse you with his mom. And he won't kill you; he'll just keep you as a prisoner. Also, if he's about to cut your head off and you say his name, he'll pause and cock his head like a puppy dog. This movie is pretty derivative and boring, but it can be made much more fun if you simply imagine that Jason is the one growing the marijuana near Camp Crystal Lake and that he will go to murderous lengths to protect his crop. Other than that, this movie has little entertainment value since the acting is third-rate and the story is as stale as twenty year old bread.

One last interesting tidbit: the alpha male douchebag character, Trent, is played by the same actor as the "Trent" character from Michael Bay's "Transformers." Given Michael Bay's penchant for the inane and the fact that he produced this installment of Friday the 13th, I doubt this is coincidence.